Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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