Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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