Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
