If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
