my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
