I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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