Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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