I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
