Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I think I have vodka in my lungs
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
