Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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