I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
