K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
