I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
