I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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