I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
whose parrot is this?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
