Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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