Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
