Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
