how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
