omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms