I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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