My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
