The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
