Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
