I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
