I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
