We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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