Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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