i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
it glows. i had to have it.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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