I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
