stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
