When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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