Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen