just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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