I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.