Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.