I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said