If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
