Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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