When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
