Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
