I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
