Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
