At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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