it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize