i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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