this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
