pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
