ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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