Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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