i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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