Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
