Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
