i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
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I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
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A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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