I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
