So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
