if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Randomize
