I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
