My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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