That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
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Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
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I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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