I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I booty called her while she was in labor.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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