I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
