If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
