I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
