i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Vodka?
Forever.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
