Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
